Saturday, October 1, 2011

Suddenly Thirty

You know that Jennifer Garner movie, where she's at her 13th birthday party one minute, but then she wakes up the next morning to find that she's suddenly 30 years old?! Well no one has recently sprinkled magic dust all over me or anything, but I still kind of feel like maybe that's what's happened to me (Mark Ruffalo has yet to show up, but don't worry, I'm keeping an eye out for him). I swear it was only yesterday that I was 20, yet suddenly here I am, face to face with my 30th birthday. Today's the 1st of October, and this is the month that will force me (pretty unwillingly) into the next decade of my life.

I have been dreading this all year. I knew it was coming (duh!), and I've been having multiple preparatory 'break-downs' over the impending doom that is the 31st of October. Practise makes perfect, and so I'm getting really good at having 'breakdowns'. They leave me feeling depressed on a good day, and panicked and terrified on the bad days (which sounds overly dramatic, but is actually kind of true, lol!). I should clarify that it's actually not the 'getting older' part of this whole thing that bothers me (I don't really mind that part at all), it's the 'reaching my 30th birthday and still not being married with kids' that is leaving me in such a mess. I don't really talk about it much, and I don't like to, because there really isn't much point, but it seems impossible to personally consider myself as anything but a complete and utter failure, not because of what others may or may not think (I'm not too bothered about that), but just because of what I think about it all. I only had one real goal in life, and that was it! So it does feel like I've failed at life. (I'm sure lots of you would say wonderful things to try and make me feel better, and swear that I'm not a failure - which is why I love you all so much :)).

But anyway, that's not the point of this post, that was just to give you some context for this next part: I've been trying to find a different way to look at this birthday thing, and a week or two ago an idea occured to me that I've finally decided to adopt. I have 31 days till 'D-Day', and I'd really (really) like to be feeling a little more positive about things. And as I've tried to be positive, I've been trying to focus more on all of the wonderful things that have happened to me over these 30 years, or the wonderful things I've learnt, or the people I've met, or the experiences I've had. Because in my head and heart, I can't deny that my life so far (depsite it's disapointments and hard times) has been absolutely wonderful. I have so much more than so many people in this world could ever hope to have, and I certianly have more than I could ever hope to deserve. So as a tiny show of gratitude to my Heavenly Father, I'd really like to try and focus on everything I've been blessed with - because the list is so long.

Each day this month, I'm going to post about something wondeful from my life's experiences so far. I'm hesitant to make that kind of commitment because I'm extremely time-poor at the moment (so some of the posts might be really short, lol!), but I actually think it's too important not to do. All this dread and negative focus is having such a bad effect on me, and I don't want to get all bitter just because I'm in my thirties - lol! I'm also really hoping that if I start to feel all grateful and positive, than I'll stop feeling so completely frozen by panic, and will be able to start breathing normally again :)

Please feel free to read along and comment (or even to add 'wonderful' things I'm missing, lol!), and hopefully you'll notice a bit of a more positive, happy, less-tear-inclined Tammy by the end of the month :)

xoxo Tammy


breckster said...

Spoilers: There is a part of Pres. Uchtdorf's talk where he talks about golden tickets. You're ahead of the game, unless you watch the RS broadcast last night and were inspired.

I can't wait to read your wonderful life bits! You can cheat and do a whole post about how you met me. (and if you don't know me you could think I was being serious, but I'm actually mostly joking.)

The word varification is "Harse" like sleepless in seattle "harses, harses, harses, harses."

Bec and Michael said...

I fully admit to being over-tired as I read your post, but I have to say, when I read that you were adopting I was all like 'Hold on...a puppy...a child??' So after shaking myself awake a little more, I re-read your post and I think Im on the same page now... :)
NOW Im thinking about Hillary Weeks' talk about counting your positive thoughts rather than the negative ones...and now Im thinking 'You go Girl!' :)
I'll be hanging out for your future posts!!
(I would count your positives myself, but Im just too tired and would go on and on in my tiredness...)

Kara said...

looking forward to it Tammy!! We all need a little wake up sometimes to realise exactly what we have achived...and it is usually a lot,and in your case I am sure it is a whole heap. But if it's not (which it won't be) don't turn into a crazy cat lady (which you won't)...

Felicity said...

can't wait to read the 'wonderful' things you will share with us over the next month and completely agree that as we express (record) gratitude, our focus really can change!!


ps) your post reminded me of this small clip that I love!

Carissa said...

I hear and totally understand beautiful. I look forward to hearing your days of gratitude for the many blessings that I am sure have spoilt your days. Trust me being 30 is an amazing time, don't dread it but dive straight in with optimism and it will be an enjoyable time. Carissa xx

Beth and Robbie said...

Hehe, you make me laugh and smile :) Gosh, if people were more like you by the time they were 30, the world would be a heck of an awesome-er place! I sure hope I can be more like you.

Yay for reading posts every day!! Fun times ahead :)

I can always give you some hints/ helps/reminders along the way.

Wonderful thing number one: When you were about 8 and a half years old a miracle came into your life. I was born.
Never forget what a blessing that has been :)

Sandy M. said...

I think it is a wonderful idea Tammy :) I'm going to be looking forward to reading what you have written each day :)
I completely agree with what Bethy has written about the world being a lot better place if there were more people like you Tam :)

Jessima said...

I think you are just wonderful!!! I love hanging out with you. I think we all need to be more grateful for what we have and stop complaining when things get hard (I certainly need to learn this!!!).

Look forward to reading your posts!

Love Jessima

charrette said...

I can't think of anyone whose life feels more like a celebration than yours! Truly wonderful! And inspiring! I have a friend who set a goal to do thirty acts of service before that looming birthday. What was cool was realizing what simple things she could someone a note, for example...and how much of it she did already.

I love your idea to post about the positives.

emilysuze said...

What a wonderful way to celebrate the years, experiences, and wonderful-ness that is you! :)

Abby said...

Ah excellent.

1. You'll be posting every day, yay!
2. We're tooootally doing the 'Thriller' dance at the party we're throwing you.
3. I can't wait to read the post/s about me!! You can do one of them on my birthday if you want?
(and if you don't know me you could think I was joking, but I'm actually mostly serious) ;)
4. I'm with Beth and Mum and wish more people could be like you! - Life would be WAY funner! And sometimes adventurous. And nobody would say 'no' or be mean, even if I thought it was called for.
5. Bring on Mark Ruffalo!